Red bottle, green cap, very spicy.

I’m Getting Married In 6 days!



Wow does time ever fly when you grow up. My life has moved so fast in the past 6 years to the point where I am getting married in 6 days!! to the most beautiful woman I have ever met. She is literally the brightest sunshine in the darkest of days and makes me smile every single day. No words can explain her wonder and anyone who has experienced this will know exactly what I’m talking about.

In two days I am flying down to tropical Cancun with some of my closest family and friends and am finally getting hitched and I’m so excited but I don’t know how to express it! I’m actually marrying one of my best friends under a stone pavilion with the beach singing in the background. This will be happening all the while with everyone behind us to enjoy the occasion with free drinks, music, sunshine, palms trees, laughter, a couple we met from Tennessee, and world renown bartender named Diego. Life does not always go as planned, but I am lucky, I am insanely lucky to have my life result in this and to have such a gathering of love and warmth wash over me on one of my most special and prized days. This something that causes a rock hard manly man like myself to swell up, be happy about, and turn myself into a squishy caramel mass.

So here I stand, to raise a glass, to everyone, attending or not, that will make my wedding day leading up to it extremely special. For everyone’s contributions to our reception, to our dress fittings, to our ring sizing, our wedding itself, our gifts, our well wishes, our bachelor parties (BOOM!), our favors, our flight help, and our soon to be our tequila tastings, you guys are all what makes a marriage possible. Sincerely, from the bottom of our hearts my fiance and myself love all of you for all of the help you have given us.

Finally last but not least to my beautiful fiance / future wife who is probably watching big brother in the bedroom. I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart and I cannot wait for our special day and I am ready to spend the rest of my life with you ūüôā


Fuck You Old Man Winter

When I was a kid I used to love sitting inside a nice cozy house during the winter by playing video games, watching TV, or playing with my toys. The outside didn’t really fascinate me so much since I could just receive it all right here at the tip of my fingertips. Take a little imagination and some stimulus and boom you’re set for another couple of days. ¬†Now that I’m older I’d like to formally say that winter can suck a big floppy dick.

As I’ve grown I’ve found that I FUCKING HATE BEING COOPED UP. I get antsy and irritable and the main culprit of it is the cold weather. Cold weather isnt really the problem though it just prevents people from wanting to go outside so like a drug addicted relative it plays off like a bad influence. I cant really blame them though since you cant really¬†appreciate the outside when everything’s dead and dark out there like an ex girlfriends heart.So, on that note, where are we on turning the fucking heat up.

Currently we are teetering on the daylight savings change, about 7 days, and we’ve experience a brief taste of the spring weather to come so everyone is pining for it, like seriously ¬†I had all the windows off on the jeep it was sweeeeet. At this moment though, according to the super duper accurate bullshit that is the accuweather on my phone, it says its a chillingly nut sack freezing of 9 degrees outside but sunny as fuck. I can appreciate sun but without the warmth of it I feel like its just teasing me and then trying to coerce me to pay it for the full show.

So here I sit in a pair of boxers, knee high socks, and BU hoodie waiting for the weather to break while my girlfriend parks her ass directly on the heat vents in each room of the house. Hurry the hell up spring, I want to go outside!

And thus I leave  you with this hilarious comic from OwlTurd by ShenT! This is exactly how I picture winter this year.



A Little Late To The Party

Here we are almost a month in to the new year and I forgot to mention my memories from 2016. I had all this drawn out back in December but that’s usually when life runs away with you with the holidays, work, people, families, etc.

2016 was certainly an adventure and a lot of fun aside from the celebrity bubonic plague that took many of our cherished actors and singers throughout the course of that year including the beast of a gorilla Harambe #dicksoutforharambe. To recap I have found that I’ve developed a couple new hobbies or I’ve polished already existing ones.

Hobbies Have Evolved

For example my auto mechanical knowledge has jumped significantly in the past year thanks to the constant workings of that Jeep I had bought back in 2015. Every week I felt like I was working on that thing in one form or another, not because it was broken but when sense a part or function that is doing what its not suppose to be doing I like to take care of it quickly. A lot of times in a Jeep you’re out in the middle of nowhere with a few friends and some tools and I don’t like the idea of being stranded.

My cooking knowledge has exploded. Thanks to living with my lovely girlfriend I have begun cooking for her every night. Most nights its usually something simple but I’ve found myself being successful at tackling more complex recipes such as a BBQ garlic glazed and mozzarella infused meatloaf or roasted garlic chicken with herb sauce. Those two recipes get me rock solid hard each time I make them and they’re usually zero leftovers.

I’ve expanded my gaming horizons. Now I know this doesn’t sound like much and every gamer has his preferences when it comes to gaming but I’ve begun playing outside of my normal box. I’ve picked up different genres such as puzzle games and turn based strategy as well as your stealth games that require a lot of patience. It can be extremely boring sometimes or extremely satisfying but either way I’m happy I started broadening my scope.

Fun Stupid Stuff Still Happens

I’ll do a quick recap of this one with numbers.

  1. My buddy Nick and I went camping in the spring and froze our asses off. I was doing pilates in a sleeping bag to keep my body temp up.
  2. My buddy Nick and I tried to redo our camping trip and he ended up getting attacked by buffalo sauce in the jeep that I had accidentally left on the seat during one of our trail rides.
  3. I ran into a tree with my buddy SexBurger (yes thats what I call him) during another trail ride up in the coal region at a 4×4 park.¬† I pushed it over but it pushed back.
  4. I drank beer in a creek with 25 men wearing  swim trunks or nothing at all. Its not a nudist colony, they just dont like pants. Oh and there was beer.
  5. My girlfriend and I went to Cancun and met a lizard named Frank that lived under our outside landing. She also became addicted to a drink called Hummingbirds thanks to our bartender Diego.
  6. I met a clone of my friend and we call him ‘The Johnny’. He smoked 3 packs a day and had more chest hair than you’d believe.
  7. My buddy Peas got married in November and the photographer said she had seen it all and we cant surprise her. We almost made her throw up and we nicknamed her the friendly Nazi.
  8. My buddy Arnold caused a large manhunt because he fell asleep in a spot no one could find him at a bachelor party. It was under a mattress we found in the house.

There is more I could add in but tits almost 10 in the morning on Saturday and I’m hungry so yeah bananas on you.




My Foots Asleep…I Wish The Rest Of Me Was Asleep

island-backgroundHoly shit does time fly when your having fun or just¬†busy as hell. Since my last post ¬†things have moved ¬†almost one after the other and non stop so I’ll say this first before I go into any detail. I apologize up front to all of my friends that text me and I dont answer back …ever. The first reason is that well I’m an awful human being whereas the second reason is I listen to a phone ring 50% of the day and answer emails the other 50%. I dont want to look at my phone a lot when I come home.

Any who my first trip out of the country was phenomenal except for the first night of our journey which turned into a giant cluster fuck right out of the gate. We had an organized hotel for the night before with arranged transportation the next morning to the airport but either our travel agent or the dumb ass third party they put their faith and our money into had fallen through. So when we arrived at our assigned hotel they looked at us with three heads. The girlfriend ginger snapped and we ended up sleeping at a hotel, 30 miles away, for four hours, after this giant fiasco.Sorry Liberty Travel we will not be using you again. If it would have just been me I would have been satisfied with a park bench or sleeping in the airport but my girlfriend is in a wheelchair so you really butt fucked that situation and somehow did it right out of the gate. Thankfully that was the worst of it with the rest of the trip being fantastic. Sun, beach, booze, and no sunburn..somehow. I would recommend it to anyone that has a little time and patience to save up the cash and go do it. So many martinis for her and mojitos for me.

Once we got back it didnt stop. I made the grave mistake of going right back to work the day after we landed. Shoot me in the face I will never do that again. I came home so tired and so beat that all I wanted to do was sleep for an entire day and I couldn’t get that till Sunday. P.S its Wednesday at this point. What I was grateful for that we pushed through was the jeep ride that was scheduled that Saturday which involved 8 of the finest jeeps you could find in central PA, cold beer, and some good friends to enjoy it with. However it pissed like crazy. I’m talking it rained Friday night when we got there up till nearly the time when we finished on Saturday but it was an interesting experience since we’ve never wheeled through a downpour. So let me explain again that we landed on Tuesday, went back to work from Wednesday to Friday, and then jeeped all of Saturday only to get home Saturday night to sleep in Sunday. My ass slept hard, like, really hard.

It didnt end there though. The cherry on this busy month ice cream sunday ¬†was that one week following I managed to get the flu and am finally fighting off the last bits and pieces of it as I am typing this whereas at its peak it was up to 103 degrees. Didn’t throw up once though so I’m proud of that. All and all it was an excellence experience for all of it. I just think I’m going to spread it out more next time.



Buffalo Sauce, Ranch Dressing, and Chips

jeep-up-closeThe girlfriend I’m recently dating is a marvel all in herself. I found her on a random chance outside of the YMCA watching her sister play softball and while cheering on with the other 300 crowd of people somehow she noticed me and decided I was decent (or sweaty and sexy enough) to talk to.What the hell is wrong with her I am one of the biggest pain in the asses that I have ever encountered and for some strange reason she wants to be involved in m life. I guess thats what you get for gingers.

This girls eating habits are excellent, which mostly consists of chicken, franks, and bread crumbs which makes her easily the most difficult and easiest people to cook for. She has an extremely fine tuned food pallet to anything that involves these couple of ingredients but I have to tell you that they are extremely interesting to cook for. 

She hates dumb people and when I say dumb people I mean basically the entire working world and she is not afraid to mention the worst of people to just get her point across. There is absolutely no attendance award for this woman in her life so you are either on or off with her and its hilarious and kind of refreshing seeing someone who pushes you to your limit when she throws on that manager mode hat. It’s really simple, do your job, ask questions when a problem arises, and keep moving forward. She does not like a stall in progress due to stupidity or cowardice and does what she can to avoid it.

But, yeah I’m basically screwed, but I love her and thats what matters. Also she digs my Jeep “putt putt” and is totally game to go out and ride around in it all the time and consistently wary of messing up her hair and causing “jeep hair” but thats another story all together.

P.S she ginger snaps when I screw up…..dont do that.




That Black Hole Of Life

Jeeping with steveIts been nearly two years since I’ve posted on this and I figured its time to fire it up once more. Previously on the life of highfivediscount I was stuck in a rickety old apartment and I believe I had just gotten done sinking a canoe in the middle of penns creek. Note to self: never ever take a fiberglass canoe on a creek that appreciates kayaks. Since then though things have begun to change and improve in more ways than one. Now of course these improvements have come with some strange pitfalls but nothing that would really overshadow the benefit. The catalyst started with me leaving and finding another job…again..for the bagillionth time but a man can only take so much stupidity in one area.

I’ll make this brief; my parents had finally called it quits on their marriage and one of them left with the other one still traveling for work. This led me to an extremely rare opportunity to finally break my number one rule of being an adult. DONT. MOVE. HOME. Well fuck you I did it. I couldn’t live paycheck to paycheck anymore and I needed to start harvesting some savings so I decided to pack up all my shit and take off back home. It was nice being back and closer to all of my friends again who had developed adult lives of their own and I somehow managed to snag a really decent job to boot¬†and start raking it in while indulging in a few items I had always wanted for myself but could never afford. ¬†In chronological order here’s the fuckery.

I bought a Jeep. Finally! 

Growing up all of my friends had jeeps all through high school and college but I could never afford one due to their high resale value and their obvious pain in the ass maintenance but I have to say that after finally putting forth some searching effort with cash in hand I found one and instantly fell in love. Its a red 93 Jeep Wrangler YJ Heap O’¬†Shit. It was previously wrecked and the guy put a lot of work into it but he just ran out of time and money. So I bought the thing for 1500 bucks, put a bit of money and elbow grease into it, slapped on a ton of bumper stickers, and I still drive it to this day. I love the damn thing. I named it Putt Putt since it sounds like its farting when I hit the gas and smells like a lawnmower on hot days. “Its a jeep thing you wouldn’t understand.”

I rebuilt my PC. 

When I left for school a dumped a pile of my high school savings into a beast of a desktop which was top of the line a the time back in 2005 and lasted me till almost 2010 before it just gave up. In 2016 that computer has less processing power than my phone but I have to admit that I did manage to scavenge the tower.I started from scratch with 800 bucks in my pocket and completely revamped it. Its so nice not having lag when I’m trying to screw with my Raspberry Pi rigs or watching the occasional porn while not to mention that the ULTRA graphics and HD are a beautiful thing on the video games. PC master race to the rescue, baby!

I’m visiting another country

I’m finally doing it, I’m finally going to visit another country and take a long needed vacation. This was probably the most irresponsible purchase I ever made but I wanted that notch in my belt to say I did it. I had recently acquired a wonderful girlfriend (more on her at a later time) who I always joked with that we need to go on a vacation to somewhere tropical with white sand, blue water, and endless margaritas till your face its the sand. Kenny Chesney is a bad influence on this since we both like country and the beach is all he sings about. One day, after a particularly bad week at work, we decided to say fuck it and go down to the travel agent and sign up. Cancun sounded like a pretty good starting point and after about an hour and a half of negotiation, need requirements, flight, booze, location, etc. we signed off and decided we are actually doing this. Spoon I am headed to an all inclusive resort with no kids, on the beach, pool to the back porch, and warm blue sky’s. With a passport in hand I plan on enjoying this thoroughly. “4 days flew by like a drunk Friday night!”

Wrapping Up

Its been a phenomenal year so far and I look forward to what is going to smack me in the face in the future because truthfully I’ve never planned for this. There have been talks of a house soon with a rather large garage that I can tinker in and screw with stuff which I am still hoping to accomplish. That I will admit takes more planning than usual. The girlfriend I will go in depth with later since it will require another post entirely but I guarantee you you wont be disappointed.



Self Sufficient

I was completely lost in time. I havent been myself for the past two months compared to the amount of work that has been tossed at me and I can honestly say I couldnt handle it. I was a shell of my former self and a certain grey cloud had climbed over me and taken residence right above my head. BUT I managed, I pulled, I rick rolled the fuck out of that thing and I am back. For my few readers I can safely say that I am back from haitus. Bottom line, something pretty kick ass happened. The holidays have come and gone, work had gotten worse, and in response I found a new job!

Short version. I followed my own advice and took the initiative to improve my life for the better. I waited, a few things lined up and when the opportunity showed itself I took it by the balls and shook it like a cured lactose intolerant red headed step child shakes chocolate milk! I found a better job sitting fat assed in my home town doing what I am already doing surrounded by my friends and family. I am so excited I could poop. I’ve missed you guys and the motivation to speak had vanished.When I realized how much time had gone by I felt a depth of sadness. I had done so well for so long each month to give you something but I had been ground so far down into nothing that I just couldnt come up with anything. Well that batshit garbage is going to change. I have goals now and goal #1. Pay off my debts. Goal #2 is this beautiful mother fucker right below me. STEVE MCQUEEN HERE I COME! peace out yo and cheers!