About a week ago a separation had happened and an important piece of my life had bowed out due to uncontrollable circumstances. She was a wonderful person with a big heart and I wish her well on her life ahead of her and show her no ill will. Our ending was unstoppable despite our best efforts and we found that we would be better off being separated rather than continuing on together. It was mutual and accepting with explanations given on both sides that would be answers to questions we had both been dying to ask but were too afraid too and with that I can safely say I am at peace with the whole ordeal. The breakup though did give me some insight and a few lessons learned regarding the relationship. It was the price of admission.
This relationship was beyond anything I had ever experienced in the past. My entire playbook was obsolete or didnt fit any scenario properly so you could say I was flying blind most of the time and bumping into walls. My expectations of her also kept getting in the way which would cause heavy confrontation which, in turn, would lead to a couple days of awkwardness or just straight on pure silence. This was poisonous considering our time together which consisted of mostly weekends. Before long we began finding ourselves walking on eggshells when we would see each other or bringing up certain topics. It was no way to be with someone you loved and something dramatic needed to be done. So, I did something I had never done before. I tossed out my playbook and all of my expectations and stopped trying to steer us into the direction I thought we should go. Most of these expectations weren’t fair in hindsight since nobody should really have to change, act differently, or alter themselves just to continue a relationship that just makes YOU comfortable. It’s a team sport and I wanted her to enjoy my company as much as I enjoyed hers. It worked great, kinda like pulling the thorn from the lions paw and finally letting that old wound heal. It was my price of admission. If I wanted to be in her life I had to let her be her and keep on trucking.
Unfortunately though with the damage that had already been done and a few life altering changes such as new jobs, moving, personal things, etc. we just couldn’t manage to get back to what we once were. Exhaustion had taken its toll and we finally decided to just let us go to the wind. There were tears, laughs, a goodbye and before either of us knew it we were back to being on our own where we started. I wish her well and thank her for opening my eyes to a new way of treating someone I would see as special. I also agree with the last words I heard from her “We’re gonna be okay.”
I came across this video nearly the day after, which was the inspiration for this post along with her suggestion. I present to you The Price of Admission By Dan Savage. Click the link below.