Fuck You Old Man Winter

When I was a kid I used to love sitting inside a nice cozy house during the winter by playing video games, watching TV, or playing with my toys. The outside didn’t really fascinate me so much since I could just receive it all right here at the tip of my fingertips. Take a little imagination and some stimulus and boom you’re set for another couple of days.  Now that I’m older I’d like to formally say that winter can suck a big floppy dick.

As I’ve grown I’ve found that I FUCKING HATE BEING COOPED UP. I get antsy and irritable and the main culprit of it is the cold weather. Cold weather isnt really the problem though it just prevents people from wanting to go outside so like a drug addicted relative it plays off like a bad influence. I cant really blame them though since you cant really appreciate the outside when everything’s dead and dark out there like an ex girlfriends heart.So, on that note, where are we on turning the fucking heat up.

Currently we are teetering on the daylight savings change, about 7 days, and we’ve experience a brief taste of the spring weather to come so everyone is pining for it, like seriously  I had all the windows off on the jeep it was sweeeeet. At this moment though, according to the super duper accurate bullshit that is the accuweather on my phone, it says its a chillingly nut sack freezing of 9 degrees outside but sunny as fuck. I can appreciate sun but without the warmth of it I feel like its just teasing me and then trying to coerce me to pay it for the full show.

So here I sit in a pair of boxers, knee high socks, and BU hoodie waiting for the weather to break while my girlfriend parks her ass directly on the heat vents in each room of the house. Hurry the hell up spring, I want to go outside!

And thus I leave  you with this hilarious comic from OwlTurd by ShenT! This is exactly how I picture winter this year.

owlturd

Cheers!

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A Little Late To The Party

Here we are almost a month in to the new year and I forgot to mention my memories from 2016. I had all this drawn out back in December but that’s usually when life runs away with you with the holidays, work, people, families, etc.

2016 was certainly an adventure and a lot of fun aside from the celebrity bubonic plague that took many of our cherished actors and singers throughout the course of that year including the beast of a gorilla Harambe #dicksoutforharambe. To recap I have found that I’ve developed a couple new hobbies or I’ve polished already existing ones.

Hobbies Have Evolved

For example my auto mechanical knowledge has jumped significantly in the past year thanks to the constant workings of that Jeep I had bought back in 2015. Every week I felt like I was working on that thing in one form or another, not because it was broken but when sense a part or function that is doing what its not suppose to be doing I like to take care of it quickly. A lot of times in a Jeep you’re out in the middle of nowhere with a few friends and some tools and I don’t like the idea of being stranded.

My cooking knowledge has exploded. Thanks to living with my lovely girlfriend I have begun cooking for her every night. Most nights its usually something simple but I’ve found myself being successful at tackling more complex recipes such as a BBQ garlic glazed and mozzarella infused meatloaf or roasted garlic chicken with herb sauce. Those two recipes get me rock solid hard each time I make them and they’re usually zero leftovers.

I’ve expanded my gaming horizons. Now I know this doesn’t sound like much and every gamer has his preferences when it comes to gaming but I’ve begun playing outside of my normal box. I’ve picked up different genres such as puzzle games and turn based strategy as well as your stealth games that require a lot of patience. It can be extremely boring sometimes or extremely satisfying but either way I’m happy I started broadening my scope.

Fun Stupid Stuff Still Happens

I’ll do a quick recap of this one with numbers.

  1. My buddy Nick and I went camping in the spring and froze our asses off. I was doing pilates in a sleeping bag to keep my body temp up.
  2. My buddy Nick and I tried to redo our camping trip and he ended up getting attacked by buffalo sauce in the jeep that I had accidentally left on the seat during one of our trail rides.
  3. I ran into a tree with my buddy SexBurger (yes thats what I call him) during another trail ride up in the coal region at a 4×4 park.  I pushed it over but it pushed back.
  4. I drank beer in a creek with 25 men wearing  swim trunks or nothing at all. Its not a nudist colony, they just dont like pants. Oh and there was beer.
  5. My girlfriend and I went to Cancun and met a lizard named Frank that lived under our outside landing. She also became addicted to a drink called Hummingbirds thanks to our bartender Diego.
  6. I met a clone of my friend and we call him ‘The Johnny’. He smoked 3 packs a day and had more chest hair than you’d believe.
  7. My buddy Peas got married in November and the photographer said she had seen it all and we cant surprise her. We almost made her throw up and we nicknamed her the friendly Nazi.
  8. My buddy Arnold caused a large manhunt because he fell asleep in a spot no one could find him at a bachelor party. It was under a mattress we found in the house.

There is more I could add in but tits almost 10 in the morning on Saturday and I’m hungry so yeah bananas on you.

nick

Cheers!

 

My Foots Asleep…I Wish The Rest Of Me Was Asleep

island-backgroundHoly shit does time fly when your having fun or just busy as hell. Since my last post  things have moved  almost one after the other and non stop so I’ll say this first before I go into any detail. I apologize up front to all of my friends that text me and I dont answer back …ever. The first reason is that well I’m an awful human being whereas the second reason is I listen to a phone ring 50% of the day and answer emails the other 50%. I dont want to look at my phone a lot when I come home.

Any who my first trip out of the country was phenomenal except for the first night of our journey which turned into a giant cluster fuck right out of the gate. We had an organized hotel for the night before with arranged transportation the next morning to the airport but either our travel agent or the dumb ass third party they put their faith and our money into had fallen through. So when we arrived at our assigned hotel they looked at us with three heads. The girlfriend ginger snapped and we ended up sleeping at a hotel, 30 miles away, for four hours, after this giant fiasco.Sorry Liberty Travel we will not be using you again. If it would have just been me I would have been satisfied with a park bench or sleeping in the airport but my girlfriend is in a wheelchair so you really butt fucked that situation and somehow did it right out of the gate. Thankfully that was the worst of it with the rest of the trip being fantastic. Sun, beach, booze, and no sunburn..somehow. I would recommend it to anyone that has a little time and patience to save up the cash and go do it. So many martinis for her and mojitos for me.

Once we got back it didnt stop. I made the grave mistake of going right back to work the day after we landed. Shoot me in the face I will never do that again. I came home so tired and so beat that all I wanted to do was sleep for an entire day and I couldn’t get that till Sunday. P.S its Wednesday at this point. What I was grateful for that we pushed through was the jeep ride that was scheduled that Saturday which involved 8 of the finest jeeps you could find in central PA, cold beer, and some good friends to enjoy it with. However it pissed like crazy. I’m talking it rained Friday night when we got there up till nearly the time when we finished on Saturday but it was an interesting experience since we’ve never wheeled through a downpour. So let me explain again that we landed on Tuesday, went back to work from Wednesday to Friday, and then jeeped all of Saturday only to get home Saturday night to sleep in Sunday. My ass slept hard, like, really hard.

It didnt end there though. The cherry on this busy month ice cream sunday  was that one week following I managed to get the flu and am finally fighting off the last bits and pieces of it as I am typing this whereas at its peak it was up to 103 degrees. Didn’t throw up once though so I’m proud of that. All and all it was an excellence experience for all of it. I just think I’m going to spread it out more next time.

 

Cheers!

Buffalo Sauce, Ranch Dressing, and Chips

jeep-up-closeThe girlfriend I’m recently dating is a marvel all in herself. I found her on a random chance outside of the YMCA watching her sister play softball and while cheering on with the other 300 crowd of people somehow she noticed me and decided I was decent (or sweaty and sexy enough) to talk to.What the hell is wrong with her I am one of the biggest pain in the asses that I have ever encountered and for some strange reason she wants to be involved in m life. I guess thats what you get for gingers.

This girls eating habits are excellent, which mostly consists of chicken, franks, and bread crumbs which makes her easily the most difficult and easiest people to cook for. She has an extremely fine tuned food pallet to anything that involves these couple of ingredients but I have to tell you that they are extremely interesting to cook for. 

She hates dumb people and when I say dumb people I mean basically the entire working world and she is not afraid to mention the worst of people to just get her point across. There is absolutely no attendance award for this woman in her life so you are either on or off with her and its hilarious and kind of refreshing seeing someone who pushes you to your limit when she throws on that manager mode hat. It’s really simple, do your job, ask questions when a problem arises, and keep moving forward. She does not like a stall in progress due to stupidity or cowardice and does what she can to avoid it.

But, yeah I’m basically screwed, but I love her and thats what matters. Also she digs my Jeep “putt putt” and is totally game to go out and ride around in it all the time and consistently wary of messing up her hair and causing “jeep hair” but thats another story all together.

P.S she ginger snaps when I screw up…..dont do that.

 

Cheers!

 

That Black Hole Of Life

Jeeping with steveIts been nearly two years since I’ve posted on this and I figured its time to fire it up once more. Previously on the life of highfivediscount I was stuck in a rickety old apartment and I believe I had just gotten done sinking a canoe in the middle of penns creek. Note to self: never ever take a fiberglass canoe on a creek that appreciates kayaks. Since then though things have begun to change and improve in more ways than one. Now of course these improvements have come with some strange pitfalls but nothing that would really overshadow the benefit. The catalyst started with me leaving and finding another job…again..for the bagillionth time but a man can only take so much stupidity in one area.

I’ll make this brief; my parents had finally called it quits on their marriage and one of them left with the other one still traveling for work. This led me to an extremely rare opportunity to finally break my number one rule of being an adult. DONT. MOVE. HOME. Well fuck you I did it. I couldn’t live paycheck to paycheck anymore and I needed to start harvesting some savings so I decided to pack up all my shit and take off back home. It was nice being back and closer to all of my friends again who had developed adult lives of their own and I somehow managed to snag a really decent job to boot and start raking it in while indulging in a few items I had always wanted for myself but could never afford.  In chronological order here’s the fuckery.

I bought a Jeep. Finally! 

Growing up all of my friends had jeeps all through high school and college but I could never afford one due to their high resale value and their obvious pain in the ass maintenance but I have to say that after finally putting forth some searching effort with cash in hand I found one and instantly fell in love. Its a red 93 Jeep Wrangler YJ Heap O’ Shit. It was previously wrecked and the guy put a lot of work into it but he just ran out of time and money. So I bought the thing for 1500 bucks, put a bit of money and elbow grease into it, slapped on a ton of bumper stickers, and I still drive it to this day. I love the damn thing. I named it Putt Putt since it sounds like its farting when I hit the gas and smells like a lawnmower on hot days. “Its a jeep thing you wouldn’t understand.”

I rebuilt my PC. 

When I left for school a dumped a pile of my high school savings into a beast of a desktop which was top of the line a the time back in 2005 and lasted me till almost 2010 before it just gave up. In 2016 that computer has less processing power than my phone but I have to admit that I did manage to scavenge the tower.I started from scratch with 800 bucks in my pocket and completely revamped it. Its so nice not having lag when I’m trying to screw with my Raspberry Pi rigs or watching the occasional porn while not to mention that the ULTRA graphics and HD are a beautiful thing on the video games. PC master race to the rescue, baby!

I’m visiting another country

I’m finally doing it, I’m finally going to visit another country and take a long needed vacation. This was probably the most irresponsible purchase I ever made but I wanted that notch in my belt to say I did it. I had recently acquired a wonderful girlfriend (more on her at a later time) who I always joked with that we need to go on a vacation to somewhere tropical with white sand, blue water, and endless margaritas till your face its the sand. Kenny Chesney is a bad influence on this since we both like country and the beach is all he sings about. One day, after a particularly bad week at work, we decided to say fuck it and go down to the travel agent and sign up. Cancun sounded like a pretty good starting point and after about an hour and a half of negotiation, need requirements, flight, booze, location, etc. we signed off and decided we are actually doing this. Spoon I am headed to an all inclusive resort with no kids, on the beach, pool to the back porch, and warm blue sky’s. With a passport in hand I plan on enjoying this thoroughly. “4 days flew by like a drunk Friday night!”

Wrapping Up

Its been a phenomenal year so far and I look forward to what is going to smack me in the face in the future because truthfully I’ve never planned for this. There have been talks of a house soon with a rather large garage that I can tinker in and screw with stuff which I am still hoping to accomplish. That I will admit takes more planning than usual. The girlfriend I will go in depth with later since it will require another post entirely but I guarantee you you wont be disappointed.

 

Cheers!

Six friends, 25 miles, Penns Creek, and a sunk canoe

pirates_of_the_carribean


Intro

Where to start on this one. This past weekend a handful of my friends had been planning a 25 mile long boat trip down Penns Creek. Thanks to my travels, I never had time to partake in this adventure either due to working to much or I was just to far away to get home in time. So you can bet your sexy ass I was excited to travel for this adventure. I mean who wouldnt. Six friends, three coolers of  beer and food, camping, and a historical Pennsylvania creek. The trip was set to launch on Friday night and push through till Saturday afternoon while spending Saturday night into Sunday at our buddy’s cabin. This was going to be a fun weekend

Everything that was planned for went accordingly. We loaded up two cars with supplies and one with the three canoes. How we managed to get three canoes to travel onto one car is beyond me but when two of your friends are engineers and the other being a mildly innovative person you tend to find a way. I can tell you it involved a trailer, roof rack, quite a few ratchet straps, very careful driving, and some loud swearing. Everything was set and ready that Friday morning so all we had to do was push through our last day in the work week and then converge on the meeting spot to get going.

We had all punched the time clocks and were on our way. After a quick meeting at cabin we began the half hour long drive crammed into two cars to set off to the launch point. It was slow going due to the car with the overloaded canoe’s but we managed. Once we arrived we had hit a small snag while trying to back into the parking area. Unfortunately one of the canoes was angled to a point that when, lets call him Dirty Dan, had turned the wheel the canoe poked a three inch long scratch into the hatch of his escape. Okay not to bad that was a little upsetting but for how we managed with such ridiculous cargo I’d say we made out pretty well. Dirty Dan was about on par with it and understood that a car needs battle scars for these adventures. Once we had parked we began off loading the canoes with local fisherman and kids staring on. After we had all loaded up, canoes in the water, pre-float beer’s drank, and hit the head/tree stump/ gone number 1 or 2. We set off on our adventure down Penns creek to the beginning of a crazy time.

The First Four Miles

The creek was running strong but also incredibly low. It had not rained in this section of the state for probably a solid two weeks. We of course had had thunderstorms here and there and some torrential downpours but nothing that would hang around long enough to rise the creek up a considerable or helpful height. Our Canoes that we had commandeered ranged from the following. The first was a large black plastic canoe that was engineered for trout fisherman. This canoe looked like a navy seal vessel which was commandeered by my buddy Peas (like the vegetable and Dirty Dan. Our next canoe was a standard luxury canoe, also plastic, that was about 15 to twenty years old that was blue and had a flatter bottom. This canoe was commandeered by my friends Anold (say it like Schwarzenegger) and Stigius. Last but not least is my canoe. This Canoe was built for speed on deep lakes or rivers, was painted yellow like a banana, and sat low to the water due to the narrowness of it. I had christened it the H.M.S Spritty Tinkles. We scraped a lot when we were backed against a reef of rocks. This boat was steered by yours truly and a friend I’ll call Jerry.  Our launch was accompanied with some shallow spots with a little scraping here and there which eventually led to a lot of evasive navigation but we managed. It was smooth sailing (pun intended) till we ended up capsizing the HMS Spritty Tinkles. Jerry and I managed to save everything but all of our water tight containers ended up seeping in water since most of them became submerged. This was going to be an interesting trip.

It will makes bergs hard to see, with no breaking at the base

 canoe-damaged

It had been a bumpy ride since launch. We had had a few calm deep areas where we could rest and re-cooperate but these were for maybe two minute spans at best. Nobody could enjoy the beer/scenery/or each other since we were constantly dodging shallows and rocks for most of the journey. As the sun began to set visibility became more and more difficult which reduced us to viewing the white water to identify upcoming rock rather than staring into the stream which was now just a giant glare. Everybody was struggling but the HMS Spritty Tinkles was taking the full brunt of the creeks shallow force. Rock after rock and shallow after shallow kept bashing against the Tinkles hull. It wasn’t going to be long before the creek decided to make a killing blow and have Jerry and I shin deep in creek water with nothing but the oars and our soaked possessions. At least the beer cooler was surviving. Penn Creek is a cruel mistress and shows no mercy. Before I could recollect myself after everything that had happened Jerry yelled how “Oh shit hang on!” followed shortly by a loud *BANG*. Everything strapped became unstrapped, our nose started veering forward, water started coming in from being knocked sideways, and we started going down. The creek had scratched a foot long gash down the seam near the front of the canoe that was about an inch wide. The HMS Spritty Tinkle was sunk.

Dusk

So there we were. Jerry and I stranded on shore with nothing usable except a completely full cooler of beer, two bottles of liquor, and one functioning lighter. To our left we had a compromised canoe as well as a very soggy set of provisions along with a few odds and ends we had picked up from the creek. Our outlook was grim. With night settling in on the tail end of spring it began getting cold quick and with no dry clothes we’d survive but be completely miserable. After a quick pow wow with the rest of the armada I decided I needed to venture off on my own to take care of our misfortune and return the following day with the kayak, also known as the Molli A, to continue the adventure. I was not going to let this ruin the entire float trip. I had decided first it was time to make friends and fast since I certainly couldnt lug a 15 foot canoe 4 miles or very well leave it stranded on someones property. Thankfully the occupants of Penns Creek were very friendly and accomodating. I happened to meet up with a very elderly couple, we’ll call them Earl and Agnes, who were pushing close to 300 a piece and were probably legally def with mean that each one of their answers came out like a bull horn. Sweetest people on earth though. Earl decided he would give me a ride back to the truck while Agnes allowed me to stash the canoe in the yard. Jerry, my boating comrade decided he was going to continue the adventure onward and gatherd up his hearty provisions from our shipwreck. This consisted only of a handle of Sailor Jerry spiced rum and an oar….no sleeping bag…no shirt…nothing else. He then set off in the blue canoe with Anold and Stigius and rowed out of sight.

The Finale

2janrzr

After a slow and swervy ride, Earl had finally reached our truck up by the launching spot which I had learned learned was called Rainbow Reek. I then shook the mans hand, thanked him for all the help he was willing to give me and left to which I honestly never saw him again. At this point it was well into the night so all I had to rely on were the trucks headlights and Anolds high powered flashlight he had lended me to help me pack up the canoe. Once I returned to the crash sight I was left with a very unique problem. Our truck we had used only had a six foot bed, which was less than half of the canoe, and a large handful of bungie straps, not ratchet straps, bungie straps. With the help of five other strangers I managed to make the canoe reasonably secure but was not willing to drive 30 miles, in the dark, with a strangers truck, and no license. Fuck that. With some quick thinking though I came up with the idea to drop the canoe at the launch point, a mere two miles away. Perfect. I fired over the engine, held onto the boat and prayed it wouldnt slide out the back of the bed. Thankfully I made it there without to much of an issue and dropped it like a bag of bricks right next to the transport car. I mean hell if anyone stole it it would be there loss. Who would steal a boat that doesnt float, right? From there on out the night consisted of me getting lost behind the towns off Penns Creek and New Berlin, gathering up my car, and driving it back to my house where I proceeded to sleep the events off till the next morning to begin all over again. I had decided that the whole misfortune had ran its course when I woke up to the sound of a text message displaying  two words “BRING FOOD”. I guess their night camping out near the creek left them hungry. I did feed them though when they eventually got around to meeting up with me.

Self Sufficient

I was completely lost in time. I havent been myself for the past two months compared to the amount of work that has been tossed at me and I can honestly say I couldnt handle it. I was a shell of my former self and a certain grey cloud had climbed over me and taken residence right above my head. BUT I managed, I pulled, I rick rolled the fuck out of that thing and I am back. For my few readers I can safely say that I am back from haitus. Bottom line, something pretty kick ass happened. The holidays have come and gone, work had gotten worse, and in response I found a new job!

Short version. I followed my own advice and took the initiative to improve my life for the better. I waited, a few things lined up and when the opportunity showed itself I took it by the balls and shook it like a cured lactose intolerant red headed step child shakes chocolate milk! I found a better job sitting fat assed in my home town doing what I am already doing surrounded by my friends and family. I am so excited I could poop. I’ve missed you guys and the motivation to speak had vanished.When I realized how much time had gone by I felt a depth of sadness. I had done so well for so long each month to give you something but I had been ground so far down into nothing that I just couldnt come up with anything. Well that batshit garbage is going to change. I have goals now and goal #1. Pay off my debts. Goal #2 is this beautiful mother fucker right below me. STEVE MCQUEEN HERE I COME! peace out yo and cheers!

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